Confusion and Hope

So this week marks another time in my life where I reflect. 10 months ago I was diagnosed with Anxiety. A condition of my life that I am still trying to grasp. I was told by many to keep it silent and not say anything because some people would not get it and understand.

 

In 22 days, I get my wisdom teeth out. Again not a significant thing for most but I have a point of saying this. When I went to the dentist, people were very supportive of me having to have the teeth out. People were so compassionate about the pain I must be feeling or how I must be coping with the issues associated with the pain and discomfort. So what is different?

 

It's the issue of acceptance. People will allow themselves to be who they want to be by accepting what they want to accept. Some are scared of the unseen because they can't qualify it.

 

It's interesting to not though that I see many aspects of my life where I do the exact same thing.

 

What am I confused about?

 

• Taking a risk on someone or something
• Taking a chance on a dream without failing.
• Realising that I am far less perfect than my imperfections show and knowing that most of that is beyond my control.
• Knowing that I will never be good enough for some but want to still at least try.

What are my hopes?


Simple. That I will one day look back and realise that life is teaching me some very valuable lessons.

4 months to go

2014: The year that I'm going to be happy to see the end of! I know that people keep on saying to me "Don, there is 4 months to go, don't write off the year yet!"
I'm not writing it off, I'm writing it in. I am using this year as the year that I learn more about who I am and what I need to focus on! I just want it to end.
It's not a nightmare, it's just a bad dream that has little amazing experiences hidden in it.

I am what I am! Anxiety has taught me one thing in the last nine months. I am incredible conscious of the world and how I live in it. I am incredibly humbled by my own insecurities and I'm incredibly thankful for amazing people that I have looking out for me.

So I am writing a story, and maybe some people will be surprised when they read it.

VALE Frank Whitecross: My First Music Teacher

Sadness showed it's way in a calm sense of peace yesterday. It was the peace that comes from knowing that someone who has meant so much to me has finally found peace and has met his beloved heavenly father.


Many years ago, in fact over 25 years ago now, Frank or Mr Whitecross as we all called him, sat with me and my cornet and patiently taught me the lines and spaces of notation, the length of notes and the language that has become more important to me than English itself. This language has allowed me to express way more of my thoughts than the thousands of English words that are in my vocabulary could never do.


I have known that this day would come and I think that for a long time I have thought about the struggle for Mr Whitecross for the last few years and his wonderful amazing wife Shirley and family.


I want to give you an insight of just what he meant to me in those early years and what he will mean to me for my future.


When I was a boy, he saw in me potential. He called me Duck. One of the few people that would get away with calling me that. I loved the way that he did so with a smile and his passion and patience showed me about how you could teach and also smile when things didn't always work. His first lesson to me off the instrument was when he said to me "Duck whatever you play, always play for God". Those words would serve me well into my later music life as I searched for meaning in what I did and also how I would decide what to play and what not to play.


He was Humble! I mean super humble. I never heard him ask for recognition. He avoided it. He didn't need the recognition because he had something more valuable. God's Favour and most of all the respect of 100's of people who he had either worked with or taught how to play.


He led the Mildura Salvation Army band for over 25 years. I think it may be officially 26 but that is as long as I have been playing and since then, we have had 3 other conductors. I'm the current one (third) and as the band gets smaller those memories of how he crafted the band still resonate with everyone. I first joined the senior band on 2nd Cornet and sat next to some amazing people under Mr Whitecross' Baton. This was doubled by still learning the music and playing solos with the band and by myself. My first solo was a peace called Prepare me. It was a simple song but we worked on it until it was ready and when I stood to play it as a very young boy at the Sunday School Anniversary, Mr Whitecross stood behind me and calmed my nerves, told me I could do it and stood there whilst I played those first notes. That moment started a journey that has not stopped and has taken me all over the world.


He wrote solos, gave up time and most of all continued to encouraged me on my journey long after he retired from Conducting.


He also had a prank side and carols was one of those unique opportunities to let them fly. I will never forget cruising around Mildura in the back of a dump truck playing to many many people. We would climb the ladder and cruise playing out of the green carol books in a green truck (red was the original one I believe) for hours and on the odd occasion hang on as the dumper would start lifting (as you do).


He played a beautiful Euphonium but never wanted to be the spotlight and would just play his part and let the world appreciate others for their amazing technique. He was not a teach because he can't do person, because he made a choice to let others shine.


What does it mean to me now.
Mr Whitecross has been on my mind ever since I launched into my career. Those simple words of 'Always play for God' have sometimes been lost in the words of the world, but I always come back to that simple phrase. Life was not easy in the last few years and Seeing Frank tap or conduct to my playing always brought a smile to my face. I never really spent as much time as I would of loved to with him, but illness took a hold of him and life took a hold of me. They say that in life you meet people that truly inspire you to be a better person. I will never be able to express in words what Mr Whitecross really meant to me. This is hugely because there are no words. He started me on a journey and saw potential. He made making music and playing an enjoyable lesson on the wider part of life and what it meant to be a person of integrity and honour to the gifts that are given to us by God.


I have been blessed to meet a person who is much as a hero to me as any prominent person that I have had the fortune to met.


Mr Whitecross is a true legend of humbleness and he's legacy to me is that it's not about the notes on a page but the passion and reason for playing.


I took a moment last night to listen to some of the old hymns that we used to play as a junior band. Some of those hymns; I am Praying, I surrender all, My Saviours Love, Europe, Peace Perfect Peace, Toplady, Rock of Ages, Amazing Grace and many others took me back and in reflection, mean more to me now than back then. So I will leave you with this thought.


A person who gives up their spotlight for others to shine is a brighter light than anything else because they allow their light to light the path for others to find the fuse.


Mr Frank Whitecross you were Promoted to Glory and have left this world. I know that when you reach the gates, they will open, you will be called and you will hear the immortal words; Go forth good and faithful servant. You are now at rest!

Update!

Since my last post I've been on a journey.

Not finished it yet, but I know I've started.

First thing.. tackling 9km walks.... done to about 1:25:15. I was quicker but I've been putting running into it now so the legs are adjusting to that.

Second thing... trying to be positive. Not easy but essential on my journey

Third thing....... continuing to drop kgs... It's a slow process but one which has seen amazing shifts in attitude.

Fourth thing... Openess.. I have and continue to struggle with a few things and I have decided to be open about it. Yes I have lost friends because of my situation but that is life. My openess is not just a guide of hope but also a story in itself.

Still searching but at least I'm walking on a path...

Lost things!

I'm searching for:

The happiness I once had

The passion I once displayed

The energy that seemed  to always be there

The compassion and empathy that made me a great friend

The smile that until recently lit up a room

The plan for the future that I used as a focus

Have you seen any of these things??

At the moment I've seemed to lose  them... lose them to:

A cloud of darkness

A lack of caring

Exhaustion

A feeling of being ignored and isolated

A look of hoplessness

A lack of direction and focus

A moment is past and a memory created

Sometimes life happens in an instant and a memory is created for a lifetime. Sometimes an experience taks some time but becomes something special.

Today a memory was created as I participated in the 2014 Rose Bowl Parade. I was joined by over 180 Salvation Army Musicians as we played in a massed band for the milliion+ people in attendance and the many more millions watching around the world.

I can't quite find the words to express the experience at present but I know that in all of the hype and anticipation, one thing remained. I was to do a march that would be something that would impact my life in many more ways than just being a part of a big brass band.

My thoughts are of a humble spirit at the moment as I think about the opportunity that has come my way. This trip away has been wonderful for my soul and I know that it is something that I have needed for a long time.

I don't know what is going to happen on my return to Australia. I may have to make some tough decisions about who, what and how I share my life experiences. I may have to make some decisions about others that will hurt for a time, but I know that life is what it is and I am not one to question it, but see the learning that happens in every moment and experience.

I do know that for the rest of my life, there is a story to be told about a small town country kid, growing up and one day getting a chance to play on one of the biggest stages of them all.. In a band without my name ever being put on the screen.

2013! A year of rollercoasters and merry go rounds!

Well as I sit here in Calabasa California on NYE at 9:38am. I am thinking of the friends and family back home. As I'm on the other side of the world, my wall has been filled with many Happy New Year resolutions and well wishes to everyone. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's just the way things are, but I still struggle to care to much about resolutions made often in the moment.

My year has many ups and downs.

Last year I wrote this:

I am going to be more patient with what I think I am looking at doing and I'm going to see what doors open and shut. I have been thinking a lot lately about the transition in my life from childhood to who I am. In many ways I am a very different person, in both attitude and passion. One thing that has never changed is a passion for doing the best I can with what I have been given. There is a time and a place for everything. I cannot imagine what is going on in front of me when it comes to do with life. Maybe I'll get bowled over by some amazing person and my world will flip upside down, maybe I'll take on some more travel and adventure, maybe nothing much will change and I'll just continue walking down the road taking everything in....  I don't know and right now it's about being thankful for what I have, who I have become and what I can be in the future through living the life that I lead.


So what happened.......


Well patience is something I am still working hard on. I have looked at life differently this year and know that the issue is often my pace that I live life. Something to continue to work towards but I know it will take time.
I did meet a couple of amazing people this year. I guess some things just become more complicated when you go out on a limb and take a chance. Sometimes I wish sometimes that I was a totally different person in many ways, but it is what it is and I'm learning to accept that my life will probably not give me all that I want, not because of who I am but more because people won't or can't see the person that I am and can be if given the chance. The three words "I Love You" may have been said, but in reality their were not heard. That is something that is hard to read and even write but I guess in life that is what happens. You take a risk and their is always a chance of failure. It's not all gloom and doom but it's not what I hoped for.


2013 has been a rollercoaster of a year and towards the end of it, I have really struggled with what life is chucking my way. I am so unsettled, which is so rare for me. I have been confused, angry, hurt, sad, exhausted and drained. My body has had to deal with the rigours of life and my mind has had to deal with the heart. Losing people who are close is never easy. I lost people close to me and for some reason my life is now showing me the concerns that I have to face as 2014.

To my readers, please take time to sit and talk to people and love life for what it is. It's a crazy journey which sometimes can overwhelm us as we battle through. I know I'm not perfect and this year I have struggled more than ever to keep on top of things, but I also know that life is a journey and long is the path. 

If only people knew... well.....

So I was thinking whilst travelling back home today after a quick trip with a friend just how much people probably don't know about the quirks that make us who we are... I have a few and I know my mates do too.... so I thought I would share some of mine. 10  in fact... because in the end.... they will only help I guess to understand me...

1. I tend to close my eyes whilst listening to music... I do this to bloke out the visual so my ears can hear everything.. I'm not sleeping or even ignoring the performer, I am trying to give them my full aural attention. I also tend to not clap loudly as the shock of my clap hurts my ears.. and it bugs me when people clap along to the music out of time... don't do that!!

2. I sometimes smile at nothing in particular (or a distant memory). It gives me joy to sometimes just smile because it something I often don't do because of a conscious decision.

3. I often use quotes or little word puns to explain stuff. I love quotes, but people think I'm a bit strange with them I guess. So if that's you; sorry!!

4. I sometimes withdraw from conversation: I sometimes can literally not focus enough to stay engaged. This is a terrible one I know but if their is some break in conversation, often my mind just jumps onto the next thing. I am trying to work on this, but the brain is in control

5. I will not tell you straight out how I feel. I do this to protect myself and others from getting hurt. I will be supportive and often am more scared of my response than you are.

6. I can't stand large groups of people. I struggle with energy and large groups take it out of me. One on One is how to get to know me....

7. Know that I am going to stuff up more times than not. No real explanation needed.. I live the life and try and not have regrets.

8. I am harder on myself than you will ever be to me. I sit and stew for hours over my day and mostly struggle with what I think the level of achievement is.

9. I do everything at full pace, full energy and full intensity. The switch is on/off and not variable.. leads me to places that are not good long term energy wise.

10. I sometimes shed tears over things that just don't happen the way I want them to. I live by the presence of experience and I show the emotion in my life because that's what it is.

There you  go. An insight.

a thought about where I'm at...

Been thinking about my life the last couple months..... Next year I approach a big milestone (well not big just an important year I guess). There are some people that I wish I got to meet in my life... I know they would of been proud of me, but I guess when I look into the sky at night I see them smile. There are those who I met but have gone forever. I miss them greatly and wish to have spent the time I should of to tell them how much they meant to me. There are those who I meet only for a short time and now we are so distant I wouldn't know where to look... There are those who know me well and still see me and their are those who have at some point became special people in my life.... I would say that is easy to reflect on life when you are in a good place, but for me it's not always a good place I find myself in...

There has been many times in the last few months where I have faced the demons of past mistakes and although I have no regrets in life, I know that I have given up on chances more times than I care to admit.

I was challenged a couple of times in the last few weeks to really look at who I am, what I do, why I do it and who I have impacted (both positively and negatively) in my past.

I have made so many poor judgements in hindsight that at the time seemed so right.. this is called life and I have lived it.

This career has it's pit falls... and to be honest.. the person who stands on stage is nothing like the person you see off stage... the confidence and bravado on stage is really just me trying to play the part of the performer... Off stage I am private, humble, guarded, can't handle praise well and really am totally tough on myself as a musician and person...

I am socially ADD and when it comes to talking.. I often make the mistake of not waiting or getting distracted by things. This hurts people and eventhough I try I struggle.... Then there is my unique way at looking at the world... I'm good at killing conversation.. In the past it has been handy, but now I see it's destruction....


what am I saying? I am trying to look at life through another lense and for some that is a scary thing to witness... I want to take a step back, I would love to settle down I guess and for some people that will be the strangest thing to come out of my mouth.... But I don't know :S

"I am in a trasition season! What to I have no idea about" Maybe I need a well, and a drink.....

it's been a while.

Over the last 6 months I've slowly worked out much of the little things in my life that are unique and to some people probably annoying... Saying that, I've also realised just how paralysing fears and anxiety can be. I'm the first to admit that I'm not the easiest person to understand. I like most others in this world have complexities which I guess make us both confident in our abilities but very aware of our weakness.

Over the last few months I have had (either by my own doing or others) had lots of things exposed in the way I do things and to be honest some of those have been things that I thought were normal but now understand that I have to learn to deal and accept or modify to build relationships and friendships. It's been tough to be real with myself, but tougher to realise the sacrifices I've made along the way to resist the realistic traits.

I have tackled some of those fears I had and have found that I had the strength to face them even at the time I felt like I was really going to fail. Failure in itself is one of those fears and one I still fight on a daily basis.. questions in my head such as; Am I good enough? What happens if I say or do something stupid at the right or wrong time? What does that person actually think of me? Who can I trust really? These are the kind of questions that in the past have stopped me from doing all that I could.

There were also safe zones; The Stage, Work, My Office, My home, Secret Locations for escape. In balance there is nothing wrong with these places, but when over used or for the wrong purpose, they can become a prison.

So in the last six months I have failed a lot, I have hurt people sometimes, I have disappointed people and myself. I have also learnt many lessons, gained new experiences, found emotions that I suppressed or didn't realise were a part of my life, found new passions and made some amazing moments and friends.

Am I there yet; NO!! I'm far from where I think I need to be. I am a sailor lost in the ocean, I am a builder trying to find the best location, I am a traveller without a known destination, But really, the one thing I think I have realised.... Given the chance, I know I will make mistakes and I will learn from them, but the secret is having the chance in the first place... People that think I'm settled and I don't feel like a change... Those people, are the people who challenge my thoughts. I have changed, and it's because of you that I am challenged to continue on my journey of discovery. The path behind is used, the path ahead awaits.