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Friday, December 13, 2013

If only people knew... well.....

So I was thinking whilst travelling back home today after a quick trip with a friend just how much people probably don't know about the quirks that make us who we are... I have a few and I know my mates do too.... so I thought I would share some of mine. 10  in fact... because in the end.... they will only help I guess to understand me...

1. I tend to close my eyes whilst listening to music... I do this to bloke out the visual so my ears can hear everything.. I'm not sleeping or even ignoring the performer, I am trying to give them my full aural attention. I also tend to not clap loudly as the shock of my clap hurts my ears.. and it bugs me when people clap along to the music out of time... don't do that!!

2. I sometimes smile at nothing in particular (or a distant memory). It gives me joy to sometimes just smile because it something I often don't do because of a conscious decision.

3. I often use quotes or little word puns to explain stuff. I love quotes, but people think I'm a bit strange with them I guess. So if that's you; sorry!!

4. I sometimes withdraw from conversation: I sometimes can literally not focus enough to stay engaged. This is a terrible one I know but if their is some break in conversation, often my mind just jumps onto the next thing. I am trying to work on this, but the brain is in control

5. I will not tell you straight out how I feel. I do this to protect myself and others from getting hurt. I will be supportive and often am more scared of my response than you are.

6. I can't stand large groups of people. I struggle with energy and large groups take it out of me. One on One is how to get to know me....

7. Know that I am going to stuff up more times than not. No real explanation needed.. I live the life and try and not have regrets.

8. I am harder on myself than you will ever be to me. I sit and stew for hours over my day and mostly struggle with what I think the level of achievement is.

9. I do everything at full pace, full energy and full intensity. The switch is on/off and not variable.. leads me to places that are not good long term energy wise.

10. I sometimes shed tears over things that just don't happen the way I want them to. I live by the presence of experience and I show the emotion in my life because that's what it is.

There you  go. An insight.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

a thought about where I'm at...

Been thinking about my life the last couple months..... Next year I approach a big milestone (well not big just an important year I guess). There are some people that I wish I got to meet in my life... I know they would of been proud of me, but I guess when I look into the sky at night I see them smile. There are those who I met but have gone forever. I miss them greatly and wish to have spent the time I should of to tell them how much they meant to me. There are those who I meet only for a short time and now we are so distant I wouldn't know where to look... There are those who know me well and still see me and their are those who have at some point became special people in my life.... I would say that is easy to reflect on life when you are in a good place, but for me it's not always a good place I find myself in...

There has been many times in the last few months where I have faced the demons of past mistakes and although I have no regrets in life, I know that I have given up on chances more times than I care to admit.

I was challenged a couple of times in the last few weeks to really look at who I am, what I do, why I do it and who I have impacted (both positively and negatively) in my past.

I have made so many poor judgements in hindsight that at the time seemed so right.. this is called life and I have lived it.

This career has it's pit falls... and to be honest.. the person who stands on stage is nothing like the person you see off stage... the confidence and bravado on stage is really just me trying to play the part of the performer... Off stage I am private, humble, guarded, can't handle praise well and really am totally tough on myself as a musician and person...

I am socially ADD and when it comes to talking.. I often make the mistake of not waiting or getting distracted by things. This hurts people and eventhough I try I struggle.... Then there is my unique way at looking at the world... I'm good at killing conversation.. In the past it has been handy, but now I see it's destruction....


what am I saying? I am trying to look at life through another lense and for some that is a scary thing to witness... I want to take a step back, I would love to settle down I guess and for some people that will be the strangest thing to come out of my mouth.... But I don't know :S

"I am in a trasition season! What to I have no idea about" Maybe I need a well, and a drink.....

Monday, December 2, 2013

it's been a while.

Over the last 6 months I've slowly worked out much of the little things in my life that are unique and to some people probably annoying... Saying that, I've also realised just how paralysing fears and anxiety can be. I'm the first to admit that I'm not the easiest person to understand. I like most others in this world have complexities which I guess make us both confident in our abilities but very aware of our weakness.

Over the last few months I have had (either by my own doing or others) had lots of things exposed in the way I do things and to be honest some of those have been things that I thought were normal but now understand that I have to learn to deal and accept or modify to build relationships and friendships. It's been tough to be real with myself, but tougher to realise the sacrifices I've made along the way to resist the realistic traits.

I have tackled some of those fears I had and have found that I had the strength to face them even at the time I felt like I was really going to fail. Failure in itself is one of those fears and one I still fight on a daily basis.. questions in my head such as; Am I good enough? What happens if I say or do something stupid at the right or wrong time? What does that person actually think of me? Who can I trust really? These are the kind of questions that in the past have stopped me from doing all that I could.

There were also safe zones; The Stage, Work, My Office, My home, Secret Locations for escape. In balance there is nothing wrong with these places, but when over used or for the wrong purpose, they can become a prison.

So in the last six months I have failed a lot, I have hurt people sometimes, I have disappointed people and myself. I have also learnt many lessons, gained new experiences, found emotions that I suppressed or didn't realise were a part of my life, found new passions and made some amazing moments and friends.

Am I there yet; NO!! I'm far from where I think I need to be. I am a sailor lost in the ocean, I am a builder trying to find the best location, I am a traveller without a known destination, But really, the one thing I think I have realised.... Given the chance, I know I will make mistakes and I will learn from them, but the secret is having the chance in the first place... People that think I'm settled and I don't feel like a change... Those people, are the people who challenge my thoughts. I have changed, and it's because of you that I am challenged to continue on my journey of discovery. The path behind is used, the path ahead awaits.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

So I found myself in a position a couple of days ago where I found myself doubting my own ability and the direction of where I was headed. I say that I found myself in this position because I took my eyes of the goal and I instead got clouded by the things around me and not on the goal. Slowly but surely, I drifted smoothly off course until I got to the point where I was lost....

It's a strange feeling to have a forward motion but not know where you are going..... it's like a wind that pushes you towards a cliff even though you are running away.

It was in this moment that I did what any person who is lost should do. I stopped! I didn't continue on the path, but took steps to stop.

My life is extremely busy..... Most people know that... People don't understand how I do all the things I do and I don't either. But I find in life, there is so much to do and celebrate that sometimes what others see as chores I see as pleasures.

I sacrifice not for an ego boost that it might allow others to benefit.

in the midst of being lost, I doubted God! a few situations and circumstances made me question... I find questioning ok as long as you don't mind hearing the answer. WHATEVER that answer is....

God challenged me with this:

You doubt my ability to provide, yet you ask for it anyway. You doubt my ability to create, Yet you live everyday in my perfection, You doubt my ability to protect, Yet you are living in my hands, You doubt my love for you, Yet I gave you my son.

It floored me to think of how blinded we can become by our own thoughts.

A YouTube clip that I stumbled over is the beautiful song Don't doubt him now.. This solo is one I have played but it spoke to me beyond the words as I hope that it does for you.

Saturday, July 13, 2013



TCAC 2013 Stream Video. The newly formed TYB band of the Salvation Army (Aus Southern Territory) preparing for our trip to the RoseBowl parade

Monday, June 10, 2013

woah I just noticed that the last blog on here was my birthday...


Well I have felt the need to write this blog as a reflection of something that my boss sent me today as a thought. I love to reflect and over the last few hours of report correction, review, and contemplation I have come to the following thoughts that I would love to share.

This is the link of the original article that got me thinking

http://www.theage.com.au/comment/why-state-school-students-win-the-battle-for-values-20130609-2nxug.html

I'll start with my journey as a student.

My parents did not have a lot of money! I went to a state school my entire 13 years of primary and secondary education. I don't consider myself to be the smartest, most intelligent, or even sporty person. In fact, Sport and me probably had many arguments over my childhood. I choose a career in Music. In fact my music teacher in primary school was amazing with how she let me explore the Music room whilst managing to keep others on basics. My general experience of Primary school was one of wonder, exploration and the occasional mean kid who for whatever reason choose me as a target.  Sounds like a normal childhood. I was the youngest of 5 kids. I do have 4 amazing older sisters but don't tell them I said so.. They won't believe you. I had a loving Mum and a Dad that was truly a superhero in my eyes. I had teachers who challenged me, taught me about being me, let me imagine. But, a minority were just  not like others... they were special. I saw in them something that made me want to learn about why they were who they were. They were truly amazing people, even to a 10 year old kid  (Year 6)

Fast forward to Secondary College. I went to a state school which in the eyes of the community probably had a pretty bad reputation but behind those walls, was an amazing opportunity to be the best I could be. Granted, sometimes the facilities weren't great, the teachers were varied, some even made me feel like they didn't care... But a few, maybe 5 to this day, make me proud to say that I learnt from them. I had music teachers who pushed me to be the best I could, A maths teacher who not only got to know my learning style and way of thinking but made it a personal quest to get to know the class as young people. I had a humanities (Geography) teacher who challenged me to not look at the world through my eyes, not take a book for fact, but to look at the world as a canvas to explore. I had a science teacher who challenged me not to be smart, but be intelligent in my decisions. I had a Technology teacher that not only embraced his subject but was so patient with the 20 boys who would rather burn something than make something. It doesn't end there. I had friends who were as varied in Race, Culture, Academic and Society status, who were in love with subjects that made some people question why they would bother. I got to go on Music camps that would change my outlook on what it was like to be a musician. I met people that at the time I thought were just special, but now I call them my friends. I work with them, play in groups with them, hang out with them, share life's journeys with them. Granted I had bad teachers too, but they at least taught me what I wasn't going to become in my later career choice.

Forward to my senior schooling. I embraced the change as best I could. I remember an English class in yr 12. The softly spoken teacher challenged us to study the characters and without telling us directly, I found myself falling in love with the literature we were reading. I loved reading and analysing it was a quirk I guess, but as a musician it allowed me to be emotional without the instrument, to learn how to hear a sentence for more than just words. Ok, I didn't get a 99.95 for my TER (the university entrance score) I was never going to get that. But I got into Uni. I lived a great life as a student. I made plenty of mistakes. Probably hurt people along the way with those mistakes and as I reflect, Faces and names come to mind of those that hold a special place in my heart.

University was where the mixing pot became like a giant boiling pot of simmering delight... This is where I found myself. Where everything that had happened before made sense. Where I found purpose in what I had done for all this time.


It's now 2013. I've now taught Instrumental music in Private Schools, Taught students in classrooms in Private and Public classes and I want to tell you about what I see day to day and why I want to celebrate it.

I am a proud teacher of secondary school children in a public state school in the NW region of Victoria. I am a Music Co-ordinator of a program which provides me with more joy than it does the students and I mean that with sincere thought towards what the students teach me about myself every day. I work with amazing people, some of which taught me. I have a team of people that I know will challenge me to be the best I can, but also expect that I do the same. For us, it's about the kids... It's has to be all about the Kids. Kids being said are some of the amazing young adults that we have serving in our community in a vast range of jobs and services.

I look at the kids with disabilities and I see in their eyes, a joy that can't be measured. They are able to achieve whatever level they think they can because we provide that opportunity. I manage staff which show them and myself that compassion and empathy is what makes this world a better place.

I see the students who will never be rocket scientist or even CEO's or business owners. They come to school with a hope to make it to the end, to maybe get skills to get a job and be a responsible tax payer. I dream of the best possible future for them and I will do anything I humanly can to share that dream and make it a reality for them. I see the students who sit in a classroom bored, not because they are lazy but because they are not being pushed beyond what they think is possible. They are the thinkers in this world. The ones who sit and ponder what is possible. There is the artists who dream of telling a story, the sportsman who dreams of glory, the author who is wanting to create a new world, the dancer who can't stop moving because in the movement comes beauty.

There is no mention of the Financial background there because there doesn't have to be. It is not about how much you can afford education. Money does not mean better education, Money means better facilities, better buildings, better whatever.... Real education is not taught or consumed with money, it is through sharing and accepting that this world is so varied that we can never know or imagine the vast opportunities that present itself, that shape our learning. Some of the best teachers we have are in the poorest areas and schools. This is so, because they are not teaching the text book, they are teaching the real world and life. Life isn't fair, it's not going to owe you anything.. You grab it with both hands and use it to guide you to YOUR destination.

I see what I see through my eyes. Sometimes those eyes are wide and open and sometimes they are flooding with tears. I never want to see a student not make it to the end of the education race. I want to see them finish strong. It is not my job to judge what is in front of me. It is my job however, to take what is in front of me, open the door that is education and allow students to explore what is an amazing universe of learning and exploration.

One day I will leave this profession! I don't know when that will be, but I do know this. I will not leave until I can say, that I have taken the door of the hinge and that door will forever remain open to the people who sit in my class.

Food for thought.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

What am I worth

As the clock ticked over to midnight last night, I sat in silence reflecting on the last 12 months and the months ahead. 365 days ago I sat doing the same dreaming of what the year ahead might mean. Last night on my mind was the incredible journey that my life has been. I have played in many venues, many audiences and developed a bit of a following for my skills. I have put my hand to new skills in production and also in leadership. I have stood up more than ever for what I believe in. I have made judgements based on reflection and not impulse. The question on my mind last night was 'Just what is my worth'?

I've been thinking a great deal about this question as I have read and analysed the salaries of many famous people and also the sporting elite and influential people.

To be honest as I turn another year older (yep today is my birthday) all I can think of is that I can't put a figure on what I am worth.... I have not seen the potential fully in my life yet! I don't know or really care to think of what others might place on my life, but I have wrestled with this question in my life because of where I am with my job, my life and my spirituality.

How do I measure my success and worth? Quite simply, at present I'm not measuring it. I'm allowing myself to fail if need be to learn valuable lessons in humility and growth. I'm allowing my life to be free and engaging in what I consider to be soul and mind searching journies which have shown me areas in which I am strong and so incredibly weak in that I can't rely on myself to achieve anything.

In my job, I am often humbled by the fact that I have no idea of what the students actually think of me, it gives me a little sense of vunerability. All I can say is that when I do hear of how I have changed a life or inspired a thought, it makes me realise just how important it is to not worry about the how much and worry about the why....

So after three rowdy and rousing versions of Happy Birthday from students, I at least hope that they see me for who I am and not for what I get labelled with.

Much Blessings.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

why?

So I write this in pure frustration but I know that God is in Control..

I am going back to Fundamentals as my solid rock.

GOD
HONESTY
INTEGRITY
RESPECT
ENDURANCE
PERSISTANCE
FAMILY
FRIENDS

It's up to you now God!