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Friday, December 13, 2013

If only people knew... well.....

So I was thinking whilst travelling back home today after a quick trip with a friend just how much people probably don't know about the quirks that make us who we are... I have a few and I know my mates do too.... so I thought I would share some of mine. 10  in fact... because in the end.... they will only help I guess to understand me...

1. I tend to close my eyes whilst listening to music... I do this to bloke out the visual so my ears can hear everything.. I'm not sleeping or even ignoring the performer, I am trying to give them my full aural attention. I also tend to not clap loudly as the shock of my clap hurts my ears.. and it bugs me when people clap along to the music out of time... don't do that!!

2. I sometimes smile at nothing in particular (or a distant memory). It gives me joy to sometimes just smile because it something I often don't do because of a conscious decision.

3. I often use quotes or little word puns to explain stuff. I love quotes, but people think I'm a bit strange with them I guess. So if that's you; sorry!!

4. I sometimes withdraw from conversation: I sometimes can literally not focus enough to stay engaged. This is a terrible one I know but if their is some break in conversation, often my mind just jumps onto the next thing. I am trying to work on this, but the brain is in control

5. I will not tell you straight out how I feel. I do this to protect myself and others from getting hurt. I will be supportive and often am more scared of my response than you are.

6. I can't stand large groups of people. I struggle with energy and large groups take it out of me. One on One is how to get to know me....

7. Know that I am going to stuff up more times than not. No real explanation needed.. I live the life and try and not have regrets.

8. I am harder on myself than you will ever be to me. I sit and stew for hours over my day and mostly struggle with what I think the level of achievement is.

9. I do everything at full pace, full energy and full intensity. The switch is on/off and not variable.. leads me to places that are not good long term energy wise.

10. I sometimes shed tears over things that just don't happen the way I want them to. I live by the presence of experience and I show the emotion in my life because that's what it is.

There you  go. An insight.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

a thought about where I'm at...

Been thinking about my life the last couple months..... Next year I approach a big milestone (well not big just an important year I guess). There are some people that I wish I got to meet in my life... I know they would of been proud of me, but I guess when I look into the sky at night I see them smile. There are those who I met but have gone forever. I miss them greatly and wish to have spent the time I should of to tell them how much they meant to me. There are those who I meet only for a short time and now we are so distant I wouldn't know where to look... There are those who know me well and still see me and their are those who have at some point became special people in my life.... I would say that is easy to reflect on life when you are in a good place, but for me it's not always a good place I find myself in...

There has been many times in the last few months where I have faced the demons of past mistakes and although I have no regrets in life, I know that I have given up on chances more times than I care to admit.

I was challenged a couple of times in the last few weeks to really look at who I am, what I do, why I do it and who I have impacted (both positively and negatively) in my past.

I have made so many poor judgements in hindsight that at the time seemed so right.. this is called life and I have lived it.

This career has it's pit falls... and to be honest.. the person who stands on stage is nothing like the person you see off stage... the confidence and bravado on stage is really just me trying to play the part of the performer... Off stage I am private, humble, guarded, can't handle praise well and really am totally tough on myself as a musician and person...

I am socially ADD and when it comes to talking.. I often make the mistake of not waiting or getting distracted by things. This hurts people and eventhough I try I struggle.... Then there is my unique way at looking at the world... I'm good at killing conversation.. In the past it has been handy, but now I see it's destruction....


what am I saying? I am trying to look at life through another lense and for some that is a scary thing to witness... I want to take a step back, I would love to settle down I guess and for some people that will be the strangest thing to come out of my mouth.... But I don't know :S

"I am in a trasition season! What to I have no idea about" Maybe I need a well, and a drink.....

Monday, December 2, 2013

it's been a while.

Over the last 6 months I've slowly worked out much of the little things in my life that are unique and to some people probably annoying... Saying that, I've also realised just how paralysing fears and anxiety can be. I'm the first to admit that I'm not the easiest person to understand. I like most others in this world have complexities which I guess make us both confident in our abilities but very aware of our weakness.

Over the last few months I have had (either by my own doing or others) had lots of things exposed in the way I do things and to be honest some of those have been things that I thought were normal but now understand that I have to learn to deal and accept or modify to build relationships and friendships. It's been tough to be real with myself, but tougher to realise the sacrifices I've made along the way to resist the realistic traits.

I have tackled some of those fears I had and have found that I had the strength to face them even at the time I felt like I was really going to fail. Failure in itself is one of those fears and one I still fight on a daily basis.. questions in my head such as; Am I good enough? What happens if I say or do something stupid at the right or wrong time? What does that person actually think of me? Who can I trust really? These are the kind of questions that in the past have stopped me from doing all that I could.

There were also safe zones; The Stage, Work, My Office, My home, Secret Locations for escape. In balance there is nothing wrong with these places, but when over used or for the wrong purpose, they can become a prison.

So in the last six months I have failed a lot, I have hurt people sometimes, I have disappointed people and myself. I have also learnt many lessons, gained new experiences, found emotions that I suppressed or didn't realise were a part of my life, found new passions and made some amazing moments and friends.

Am I there yet; NO!! I'm far from where I think I need to be. I am a sailor lost in the ocean, I am a builder trying to find the best location, I am a traveller without a known destination, But really, the one thing I think I have realised.... Given the chance, I know I will make mistakes and I will learn from them, but the secret is having the chance in the first place... People that think I'm settled and I don't feel like a change... Those people, are the people who challenge my thoughts. I have changed, and it's because of you that I am challenged to continue on my journey of discovery. The path behind is used, the path ahead awaits.