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Friday, November 21, 2014

So I had my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. Just a few weeks earlier than planned. But what has it made me do... Well stop! It has made me stop.

Some would say that's great. The reality is that all it has done is made me think. Sometimes way to much about what I don't need to and some time has been spent maybe getting some clarity.

The season that I've been living in seems to be still strongly holding on. I am slowing trying to live during the storms and struggles but I long for a season of pure blessings.

I need to evaluate my life and it's purpose. I need to maybe make the decisions that others are scared to make and maybe at the end of it, I need to own what is mine and what is not.

My heart is in a weird place as I journey. Changes are coming, doors are going to close soon and I know that some will open but I need to be in the hallway, having my eyes open to what is going to open. I trust that.. I just don't know if I have the patience right now. I need to find that patience.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Confusion and Hope

So this week marks another time in my life where I reflect. 10 months ago I was diagnosed with Anxiety. A condition of my life that I am still trying to grasp. I was told by many to keep it silent and not say anything because some people would not get it and understand.
 
In 22 days, I get my wisdom teeth out. Again not a significant thing for most but I have a point of saying this. When I went to the dentist, people were very supportive of me having to have the teeth out. People were so compassionate about the pain I must be feeling or how I must be coping with the issues associated with the pain and discomfort. So what is different?
 
It's the issue of acceptance. People will allow themselves to be who they want to be by accepting what they want to accept. Some are scared of the unseen because they can't qualify it.
 
It's interesting to not though that I see many aspects of my life where I do the exact same thing.
 
What am I confused about?
 
  • Taking a risk on someone or something
  • Taking a chance on a dream without failing.
  • Realising that I am far less perfect than my imperfections show and knowing that most of that is beyond my control.
  • Knowing that I will never be good enough for some but want to still at least try.
What are my hopes?


Simple. That I will one day look back and realise that life is teaching me some very valuable lessons.

Monday, August 18, 2014

4 months to go

2014: The year that I'm going to be happy to see the end of! I know that people keep on saying to me "Don, there is 4 months to go, don't write off the year yet!"
I'm not writing it off, I'm writing it in. I am using this year as the year that I learn more about who I am and what I need to focus on! I just want it to end.
It's not a nightmare, it's just a bad dream that has little amazing experiences hidden in it.

I am what I am! Anxiety has taught me one thing in the last nine months. I am incredible conscious of the world and how I live in it. I am incredibly humbled by my own insecurities and I'm incredibly thankful for amazing people that I have looking out for me.

So I am writing a story, and maybe some people will be surprised when they read it.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

VALE Frank Whitecross: My First Music Teacher

Sadness showed it's way in a calm sense of peace yesterday. It was the peace that comes from knowing that someone who has meant so much to me has finally found peace and has met his beloved heavenly father.


Many years ago, in fact over 25 years ago now, Frank or Mr Whitecross as we all called him, sat with me and my cornet and patiently taught me the lines and spaces of notation, the length of notes and the language that has become more important to me than English itself. This language has allowed me to express way more of my thoughts than the thousands of English words that are in my vocabulary could never do.


I have known that this day would come and I think that for a long time I have thought about the struggle for Mr Whitecross for the last few years and his wonderful amazing wife Shirley and family.


I want to give you an insight of just what he meant to me in those early years and what he will mean to me for my future.


When I was a boy, he saw in me potential. He called me Duck. One of the few people that would get away with calling me that. I loved the way that he did so with a smile and his passion and patience showed me about how you could teach and also smile when things didn't always work. His first lesson to me off the instrument was when he said to me "Duck whatever you play, always play for God". Those words would serve me well into my later music life as I searched for meaning in what I did and also how I would decide what to play and what not to play.


He was Humble! I mean super humble. I never heard him ask for recognition. He avoided it. He didn't need the recognition because he had something more valuable. God's Favour and most of all the respect of 100's of people who he had either worked with or taught how to play.


He led the Mildura Salvation Army band for over 25 years. I think it may be officially 26 but that is as long as I have been playing and since then, we have had 3 other conductors. I'm the current one (third) and as the band gets smaller those memories of how he crafted the band still resonate with everyone. I first joined the senior band on 2nd Cornet and sat next to some amazing people under Mr Whitecross' Baton. This was doubled by still learning the music and playing solos with the band and by myself. My first solo was a peace called Prepare me. It was a simple song but we worked on it until it was ready and when I stood to play it as a very young boy at the Sunday School Anniversary, Mr Whitecross stood behind me and calmed my nerves, told me I could do it and stood there whilst I played those first notes. That moment started a journey that has not stopped and has taken me all over the world.


He wrote solos, gave up time and most of all continued to encouraged me on my journey long after he retired from Conducting.


He also had a prank side and carols was one of those unique opportunities to let them fly. I will never forget cruising around Mildura in the back of a dump truck playing to many many people. We would climb the ladder and cruise playing out of the green carol books in a green truck (red was the original one I believe) for hours and on the odd occasion hang on as the dumper would start lifting (as you do).


He played a beautiful Euphonium but never wanted to be the spotlight and would just play his part and let the world appreciate others for their amazing technique. He was not a teach because he can't do person, because he made a choice to let others shine.


What does it mean to me now.
Mr Whitecross has been on my mind ever since I launched into my career. Those simple words of 'Always play for God' have sometimes been lost in the words of the world, but I always come back to that simple phrase. Life was not easy in the last few years and Seeing Frank tap or conduct to my playing always brought a smile to my face. I never really spent as much time as I would of loved to with him, but illness took a hold of him and life took a hold of me. They say that in life you meet people that truly inspire you to be a better person. I will never be able to express in words what Mr Whitecross really meant to me. This is hugely because there are no words. He started me on a journey and saw potential. He made making music and playing an enjoyable lesson on the wider part of life and what it meant to be a person of integrity and honour to the gifts that are given to us by God.


I have been blessed to meet a person who is much as a hero to me as any prominent person that I have had the fortune to met.


Mr Whitecross is a true legend of humbleness and he's legacy to me is that it's not about the notes on a page but the passion and reason for playing.


I took a moment last night to listen to some of the old hymns that we used to play as a junior band. Some of those hymns; I am Praying, I surrender all, My Saviours Love, Europe, Peace Perfect Peace, Toplady, Rock of Ages, Amazing Grace and many others took me back and in reflection, mean more to me now than back then. So I will leave you with this thought.


A person who gives up their spotlight for others to shine is a brighter light than anything else because they allow their light to light the path for others to find the fuse.


Mr Frank Whitecross you were Promoted to Glory and have left this world. I know that when you reach the gates, they will open, you will be called and you will hear the immortal words; Go forth good and faithful servant. You are now at rest!







Monday, February 24, 2014

Update!

Since my last post I've been on a journey.

Not finished it yet, but I know I've started.

First thing.. tackling 9km walks.... done to about 1:25:15. I was quicker but I've been putting running into it now so the legs are adjusting to that.

Second thing... trying to be positive. Not easy but essential on my journey

Third thing....... continuing to drop kgs... It's a slow process but one which has seen amazing shifts in attitude.

Fourth thing... Openess.. I have and continue to struggle with a few things and I have decided to be open about it. Yes I have lost friends because of my situation but that is life. My openess is not just a guide of hope but also a story in itself.

Still searching but at least I'm walking on a path...

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Lost things!

I'm searching for:

The happiness I once had

The passion I once displayed

The energy that seemed  to always be there

The compassion and empathy that made me a great friend

The smile that until recently lit up a room

The plan for the future that I used as a focus

Have you seen any of these things??

At the moment I've seemed to lose  them... lose them to:

A cloud of darkness

A lack of caring

Exhaustion

A feeling of being ignored and isolated

A look of hoplessness

A lack of direction and focus

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A moment is past and a memory created

Sometimes life happens in an instant and a memory is created for a lifetime. Sometimes an experience taks some time but becomes something special.

Today a memory was created as I participated in the 2014 Rose Bowl Parade. I was joined by over 180 Salvation Army Musicians as we played in a massed band for the milliion+ people in attendance and the many more millions watching around the world.

I can't quite find the words to express the experience at present but I know that in all of the hype and anticipation, one thing remained. I was to do a march that would be something that would impact my life in many more ways than just being a part of a big brass band.

My thoughts are of a humble spirit at the moment as I think about the opportunity that has come my way. This trip away has been wonderful for my soul and I know that it is something that I have needed for a long time.

I don't know what is going to happen on my return to Australia. I may have to make some tough decisions about who, what and how I share my life experiences. I may have to make some decisions about others that will hurt for a time, but I know that life is what it is and I am not one to question it, but see the learning that happens in every moment and experience.

I do know that for the rest of my life, there is a story to be told about a small town country kid, growing up and one day getting a chance to play on one of the biggest stages of them all.. In a band without my name ever being put on the screen.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013! A year of rollercoasters and merry go rounds!

Well as I sit here in Calabasa California on NYE at 9:38am. I am thinking of the friends and family back home. As I'm on the other side of the world, my wall has been filled with many Happy New Year resolutions and well wishes to everyone. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's just the way things are, but I still struggle to care to much about resolutions made often in the moment.

My year has many ups and downs.

Last year I wrote this:

I am going to be more patient with what I think I am looking at doing and I'm going to see what doors open and shut. I have been thinking a lot lately about the transition in my life from childhood to who I am. In many ways I am a very different person, in both attitude and passion. One thing that has never changed is a passion for doing the best I can with what I have been given. There is a time and a place for everything. I cannot imagine what is going on in front of me when it comes to do with life. Maybe I'll get bowled over by some amazing person and my world will flip upside down, maybe I'll take on some more travel and adventure, maybe nothing much will change and I'll just continue walking down the road taking everything in....  I don't know and right now it's about being thankful for what I have, who I have become and what I can be in the future through living the life that I lead.


So what happened.......


Well patience is something I am still working hard on. I have looked at life differently this year and know that the issue is often my pace that I live life. Something to continue to work towards but I know it will take time.
I did meet a couple of amazing people this year. I guess some things just become more complicated when you go out on a limb and take a chance. Sometimes I wish sometimes that I was a totally different person in many ways, but it is what it is and I'm learning to accept that my life will probably not give me all that I want, not because of who I am but more because people won't or can't see the person that I am and can be if given the chance. The three words "I Love You" may have been said, but in reality their were not heard. That is something that is hard to read and even write but I guess in life that is what happens. You take a risk and their is always a chance of failure. It's not all gloom and doom but it's not what I hoped for.


2013 has been a rollercoaster of a year and towards the end of it, I have really struggled with what life is chucking my way. I am so unsettled, which is so rare for me. I have been confused, angry, hurt, sad, exhausted and drained. My body has had to deal with the rigours of life and my mind has had to deal with the heart. Losing people who are close is never easy. I lost people close to me and for some reason my life is now showing me the concerns that I have to face as 2014.

To my readers, please take time to sit and talk to people and love life for what it is. It's a crazy journey which sometimes can overwhelm us as we battle through. I know I'm not perfect and this year I have struggled more than ever to keep on top of things, but I also know that life is a journey and long is the path.